This pages has lots of emails I got in the pasts.
>From: Mike Thompson <firstname.lastname@example.org> >To: email@example.com >Subject: A gaping hole in your GH-EULA >Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1999 20:45:49 -0800 > >Hey Gerald, > >I found a big hole in your GH-EULA. You will sue the long >hairs that use Linux and the long hair wanna be's that >use Macintosh when they read your web pages, but what about >those of us who use FreeBSD. Ha, ha... We can read your >pages all you want and you can't touch us can you? And we >hate Windows more than all the Linux and Macintosh long >hairs put together. Na, na, na, na... > >Mike Thompson > >P.S. Even though I hate Windows, I agree with what you said >about the Canadians. Your right, it is dark up there 9 months >of the year and they hate technology.
Okay Miks Thompson you are rights I will has to makes some changes to the GH-EULAs so that you freeBSDs peoples can go back to the Berkleys and do your sit ins and smoke pot and do the protests and do riots thats what the B is BSds is all aobut after alls you are just like the hippy mac users and the linus longhairs you are like a crossbreed that got crossbreeded and is a mutt I saw a dog once that was a strange dogs it had a really big heads and a little weiner dog body and it was funny to look at just like freeBSDs. Also even though you are a bad freebsds person and you dont know how smarts bill Gates is and Micorsoft at least its good to know that you know all abou the canadians. Oh can-a-da, something something something. I think the song is about how they like to build igloos and also to go climb a very high mountain with snows on it and then take a canoe ride and go watch the hockeys boy talk about primitives oh boy. Love, Gerald
>From: "k ." casual_frown@hotmail[something].com >To: firstname.lastname@example.org >Subject: Microsoft Site >Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 23:55:32 GMT > >Gerald, >You are possibly one of the biggest morons I have ever encountered >on the Internet, and know I have encountered many a moron, yet never >have I come across someone quite as stupid as you are. So, you're a >Microsoft fan, eh? PERHAPS BEFORE DEVOTING A SITE TO THE COMPANY, >IT WOULD BE A WISE MOVE TO LEARN HOW TO SPELL THE NAME PROPERLY, YOU >DINGBAT!! I myself am a Microsoft user, and, yes, it is >satisfactory, certainly not fantastic to the point of idolizing Bill >Gates. Now, I don't know, nor do I care about the source of your >bizarre infatuation with the man, but I strongly advise you to get a >life, or at least learn to spell. >-kayla.
Hey kayla I thinks Micorsoft is good no matter how you spells it I think you probably aggrees with me and plays spaced cadets too Want to play against me in a tournament? I warn you tho Im real good and someone says I could beat bill Gates in spaces cadets but I dont know if thats truth hes really really smart you know. Love, Gerald
>From: "David G[someth]in" therealswinger@[something]mail.com >To: email@example.com >Subject: Ok, you degenerate fool, listen up... >Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1999 03:53:14 PDT > >Dear mr F-[somethin] Mornon > >I have to honestly say that your site is the single most stupid site >on the entire internet. How do I know for sure? I just do you >stupidhead! What the f[somethin] kind of idiot are you? > >Now I don't like Microsoft all that much but I accept them for what >they are, the big guy, the ones who brought us a standard for >operating systems. That's fine. you may not like Macs, or Linux. >Fine, you don't know much a bout them and you fear what you don't >know. Fine whatever. > >But you crossed the FU-[SOMETHING] line when you began insulting Canada. >You know JACK-SH-[SOMETHING] about Canada you poorly informed simpleton. It is >NOT dark 9 months a year you simple minded inbreed fool! We do NOT >hate technology, in fact per-capita Canada is a GREATER fan of >technology than Americans. 80% of Canadians have computers and 60% >are on the internet. Some of the BIGGEST technology companies are >based in Canada. ATi Technologies, Matrox Graphics Incorperated, >Creative, Cambridge. that precious little sound card that came in >your computer, along with your FREE (what the [something], are you that >stupid, you're paying for it in the total price) copy of windows was >made by a Canadian company. > >Now as for your fondness of Bill gates, all I can say is that you >are one [something]-ed up man (child?) No one in their right mind would find >him "cool" and no kid is going to dress like him. > >As for Bill gates discovering the internet??? Are you a [someth]-ing >moron!? The United States Military designed the internet matrix in >1967 and it became avaliable for commercial use in the early 70s. >Bill gates BOUGHT DOS in the early 80s and THEN made it big using >someone else's technology. LOOK AT A [SOMETH]ING TIMELINE YOU FOOL! > >As for macs not being able to multi task. THEY [SOMETH]-ING INVENTED IT. >WINDOWS IS A PC VERSION OF MAC OS!! YOU [SOMETH]-ING A-[SOMETHING]! > >As for you linu(s)???? crap, you ARE a moron! You should have your >computer taken away from you because you are too stupid to use it. > >As for your blatent lack of knowledge of the ways of the computer >industry, do us all a favor and go hang out in a construction zone >and state your case there. Perhaps if we, the rest of humanity, are >lucky enough, you'll be killed or encased in the deep recesses of a >concrete foundation of some building, never to trouble us again. > >OK, I doubt you're serious with this site, but if you are, I hope >your god will forgive your sins and purges you of the stupidity you >must live with everyday. You are the biggest idiot I have ever >encountered on the internet. > > >PLEASE EMAIL ME WITH YOUR RESPONSE! > >Dave
Well after I gots over the initial shocks of such crude and vulgars languages (oh my he used some bad words oh man you should have heard it oh no never mind I dont want you to hears it its bad for you) I decideds to right back to him after alls he said PLEASE EMAIL ME in all capital letters and that means I has to rights back oh yes.
Hello Davids you have a nice contrys up there in canadas did you live in the part where the snow melts sometime I knows a people from canadas they live in arizona now because its not dark their for 10 and a half months. Do you know Alanis Morizetty she lives from canada and sings songs I like her also Gordons Lightfeet I think they should do a duet and then maybe go out on a date tell them hi for me. Oh also I have this threoy have you every seen the Late shows with David Lettersman? Its pretty good I dont know if you can see it in canadas because its all in english not parisian and also you might not have a tvs up there but if you can go see it acrossed the border you should sometime its got a guy Paul Shaver who is a canadians and here is my theory that Paul Shavers is really in controls of CBS and runs all the shows hes very smart you know I think he might be almost as powerfuls as bill Gates but not in computers in tvs he owns and controls all the tvs but no one knows Its a conspiracies and is very secret. Okay bye now use windows and make it everywheres sometimes. Love, Gerald
From: Darren Schebek dschebek@[something]starnetc.com To: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: hey, gerald! Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 14:54:46 -0700 It's been a long time since I've read a web site that's as funny^H^H^H^H^Hinformative as yours. I'm very aware of how difficult it is to write like a complete idiot^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hsuch informative prose and yet manage to be so convincing^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Heducational. Being Canadian, it saddens me to see fellow Canadians with no sense of humour^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hrespect for Micorsoft enthusiasts. Oh well, I get a huge laugh^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hlots of insight from your site, so keep up the good work. Too bad i have to use linus at work because thats what my job requires i use Micorsoft at home and like playing Duke Nukem its a DOS game and i really like it i dont have Space Cadets yet.
>From: "randy hancock" randyjoebob@hotmail[something].com >To: email@example.com >Subject: Neat story that happened to me >Date: Sat, 07 Aug 1999 10:06:36 PDT > >The other day I was out with my friend and he wanted to go to his >friends house and so we went there and when we got there I noticed >that his friend had long hair and I thought about what you said >about long-hairs and I wondered if he was a linus user. We went into >his room and sure enough there was a computer and it had a $ like >that on it and I asked him if he was a linis user and he said that >that computer was running with youniks but that he had another >computer that was running linus and it was in the other room so I >grabbed his long stupid hair and punched him in the stomach and said >you stupid long-hair!! and then I went up to the computer and I >opened it up and it was full of poop from having linus run on it for >so long so I took the poop and threw it on the dumb-long-hair I >think his name was bob so then bob pooped all over the floor and his >mom came in and I turned and puked all over her dumb hippie dress >and she said oh my gosh! and I kicked her in the leg and she didn't >like that so she made me leave the house but I managed to sneak out >the bad linus computer full of poop and I took it out on to the >street and threw it down a big hole but there was a guy in the hole >and some of the poop got on him so he got out and tried to get me >but I was too fast.
I wrote this fellow back and said:
Good job my son thats a real good thing you did it real good you are FAST! Wow you run real FAST!!! love, Gerald
>From: "John Doe" firstname.lastname@example.org >To: email@example.com >Subject: Your webpage >Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 21:21:03 PDT > >Let me get this straight - You at one point had a job doing Tech >Support for Microsoft products, and you still don't know how to use >the Spell Check on a Microsoft product? Now I see why it's easier >to just fix the problem myself rather than calling Tech Support.Hey that was before the accidents dont you know that just because maybe I wont answer your questions oh boy you dont know nothings.>Secondly, your GH-EULA carries no actual legal weight, and you'd be >wasting your money to try to pay your lawyers to defend it. It only >carries legal weight if the user has an option to decline >acceptance, and then proceeds. You also need to spell out the >consequences of violating it more clearly than "You'll be in >trouble"oh yeah well my lawyers say otherwise you person who doesnt know laws you will get in trouble your making me mads oh boy.>Next, there is no operating system called "linus" There is a >person, NAMED Linus Torvalds who wrote an operating system called >"Linux", and he's kind enough to give it away for free to those of >us who cannot afford a computer powerful enough to run Windows.hes not kind hes a long hair who wants to ruin the economies and free trades and have communism and make us all where the smae clothes and work in a coal mine.>Finally, did I mention that I'm a lawyer for freeyellow.com, and >your page is going to be shut down for violating our Terms of >Service that you agreed to when you began your hosting experience >with us. In addition, we find your webpage slanderous, and have >advised attorneys for Linus Torvalds, Steve Jobs, Linux Corporation, >Macintos Corporation, and the Microsoft corporation to sue you for >Slander, Trademark Violation, False Representation, and Breach of >Contract.Oh man now you is in real troubles you lawyer My lawyers are tougher than you they can eat your lunch just like Micorsoft can eat everyones lunch and dinner and something they call linner too which is some thing between lunch and breakfast I think but you tell me smart guy. Oh and if you talked to Linux Torvalds or Stephen Jobs than you violated my GH-EULA and Ill hav eyour license revoked theyll put you before the bar and rip the patches off of your navy coat and youll get demoted and have some demerits and then go to jail for a long long long time or maybe not but oh boy. Also freeyellow is free and yellow get it ha ha hahahahahaha they like my pages good and even if they dont then they must be long hairs and Ill sue them too for looking at my pages so there. I think its good that you works for them cause you are yellow ha ha ha Whats the matter boy you yellow? ha hahahaha.>Have a nice day.No you have one I already got one cause I run Micorsoft windows with the space cadet add on that is really fun you should try it but then maybe it would make you sad oh well. love, Gerald
Okay listen no more jokes lets read the emails:
>From: Nordmeyer Stinklestien equus@info.[something]point.net >To: firstname.lastname@example.org >Subject: Da, ya. you betcha >Date: Thu, 29 Jul 1999 17:56:43 -0500 > >Der ya go! Ya know up here in Fargo we use det der wind'er stuff to ya >know. I just got dat der windows 3.11 installed der last month. purdy >spiffy program dontcha know. > >I gotta tell ya, we got dem der long hair'd college kids in dat house >across the way from us ya know, ya suppose they use det der linus os yer >talkin bout? Do yuh tink ah should preach to dem about dat der windows >3.11? > >I dunt like it when dem people think we out here in the boonies dun't no >nothin 'bout technologee. I want you to know too I just up graded my >386 8mhz computer to 2 megs of ram so I could run det der windows 3.11. >That's pretty speciall don't you think there? > >So dem long hairs there, ya think it would give us a bad reputashun if >people found out that them satan worshiping linus users were stinking up >the place? > >But then I see all dem purdy chicks going in to see dem long hairs. You >tink dem chicks like dat linus stuff? Maybe if i went over der dey'd >think i was purdy smart too? I been practicing yer lines about >"stupidhead this" and "stupid head" dat. I tink I am ready. I will >e-mail you en tell ya how it went der.... > >yer friend, > >Nordmeyer.
And here's my reply:
From: email@example.com To: Nordmeyer Stinklestien equus@info.[something]point.net Date: Fri Jul 1999 12:26:32 Yes. love, Gerald
>From: "RASCAL COMPUTERS" rascal1700@rascal1700.[SOMETHING]serve.co.uk >To: firstname.lastname@example.org >Subject: Windows >Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 01:22:15 +0100 > >Its amazing what modern drugs can do to a person, isnt it ?
I replied to this like:
To: email@example.com[SOMETHING].co.uk From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Re: Windows Date: Thu, 29 July 1999 >From: "RASCAL COMPUTERS"
> >Its amazing what modern drugs can do to a person, isnt it ? why yes it is love Gerald
>From: David Scidmore david.scidmore@[SOMETHING].com >To: email@example.com >Subject: A thank you from Micro Soft >Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 14:33:04 -0500 > >Deer Mr. Gerald Holmes > > I, Mr. Bill Gaits, wanted to e-mail this to you so I could thank u in person > for your wonderful web pages and the great thing you are doing for computers > and people all over the world and stuff. I am writing this personally myself, > Mr. Bill Gaits, and not having one of the millions of people who work for me > do it which I could do because I am very powerful and have lots of money > and can make people do what I want and stuff. U R doing a great thing for > all people who use computers, at great risk to you since we all know how > violent those long hair linux userz can be and they could mail you a car > bomb or blow up your house and stuff. Plus everyone knows that nobody can > write good software for free. And I can prove it too. I personally asked > all the programmers who work for me if they could write good software if > I did not pay them lots of money and stuff and they said no. > > Plus all these people who say Micro Soft is anti-trust are just really > really stupid because u can see from this letter that I, Mr. Bill Gaits, > am mailing to you personally that I trust you and your grate web sight. > So if anyone says we are anti-trust anymore you can just tell them they > are an idiot. In fact in appreciation for all the stuff you are doing I > will be sending you a present. So watch in your mail in the next few > months for a free copy of Micro Soft Bob which I am sending you free as a > gift to show how much I like you and your web site and stuff. > >Mr. Bill Gaits
I of course had to respond quickly I was very hppy that Bill Gateses letter came it was nice Im still waiting for the package tho:
From: firstname.lastname@example.org To: David Scidmore david.scidmore@artesyn.[SOMETHING] Subject: Re: A thank you from Micro Soft Date: Thu, 29 Jul 1999 Oh my gosh Bill Gates!!! oh man!! hey thanks for righting me Bill!!!! you dont mind if I call yo Bill do you I like you you are very smart and know a lot of stuff can you come over and well play space cadet and talk business about how you want to hire me to be in charge of the publik relations at Micorsoft or maybe be your right hand person in charge of all the stuff for you yeah I think that would be nice oh Bill Gates thanks for writing to me and its a pleaseure to server Micorsoft your company that is very very very smart but not as smart as you of course oh no nothing is that smart not even Micorsoft whats your high score at space cadet?
From: Cullan < ADDRESS HIDDEN > To: email@example.com Subject: haha Date: Sun, 02 May 1999 22:31:51 -0500 Your site is prety funny man. Thanks for a good laugh. cullan
Other peoples got really mad like this fellow:
From: firstname.lastname@example.org To: email@example.com Subject: ? Date: Fri, 30 Apr 1999 16:45:50 -0400 You are a ware you are the stupidest [EDITED] in the universe right? Just so you know you're not worth the air your breathe.
I replied to this angry fellow as follows:
To: Sipher@beer.com From firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Re: ? Hello sipher at beer dot com Im Gerald Holmes. Thanks you for the nice letters and for reading my pages. My lawyers wants to talk with you now. Hello sipher at beer.com this is Gerald Holmeses lawyers and we wants to talk with you now. Oh boy your gonna be in trouble if you read Gerald Holmeses pages and you are a linus long hair os user and we think you might be remember the Gerald Holmes EULA it says youll get in big trouble and so you better be scared. okay. Okay hello sipher this is Gerald Holmes again boy my lawyers are really tough and mean arnt they oh yeah they are they even roughed me up one time and oh boy I dont want to go through that again!!! so Id listen to them good and use windows too if I were you. I tried not breathing like you said but I could only do it for a about 15 minutes before I passed out when I wok up my lawyers said you were liable for brain damages to my person but I said hey ease off and just give him a warning. Love, Gerald
Heres another guy who thought it was funny to laugh at me:
From: "Mika NAME WITHHELD" < ADDRESS HIDDEN > To:
Subject: Damn I nearly peed on my pants, after reading your Micorsoft Advocasy Page. Date: Fri, 30 Apr 1999 22:01:55 +0300 Hehee It was funny. Lol.
yeah its pretty funny. so funny that I wrote him back threatening to sue his pants off and then I decided I didnt want his pants since it looks like he soiled them already.
Ocasionallys someone thinks they should help me with advices like this fellow:
From: FLiP FLoP
To: email@example.com Subject: "...Why Microsoft rules my Univrese." Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 16:39:37 -0700 (PDT) Next time you make a web page, use the spell check option. This is the worst web page I have ever seen. That is all...
Wow talk about hypo-critical this guy made me really sad because it was the worst page he every seen and thats pretty sad he should really get out more and look at how bads some pages are like linus's page its really bad now if he wants to see some good pages he should go to micorsoft.com its really good. heres what I sent ot him:
From: firstname.lastname@example.org To: email@example.com Subject: Re: Why Microsoft rules my Univrese Hello FLip fLOPE Im Gerald Holmes I am righting you in reponse to your email that is down their at the bottom of the pages and hey what is spell check is that something that comes in Micorsoft Office 2000 I dont have it yet I only have word97 but its pretty good have you tried it its pretty good. also you might want to look at the space cadet games that comes with Micorsoft pluspack its prety fun and youll like it alot maybe if you play it. okay thanks for the email you sent me and for looking at my web sites pages. Gerald Holmes
From: macshome Xacshome@kua.net To: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Two Words of advice Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 12:20:53 -0400 Spell Check! ******************************************** Josh Wisenbaker Apple HiEd Agent Systems Engineer ComputerTree Technologies Kissimmee, FL Voice & Fax (407) 518-6287
Oh yeah Josh well maybe you should also spell checks I dont know how so why should I yeah plus you are a Macintosh person who is going to be in troubles oh boy because you read my pages balatantly ignoreing my EULA expect to here from my lawyers.
From: "Michelle Morgan" michelle@corporaXXXYY.com To: email@example.com Subject: I use Micorsoft Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 14:32:51 -0500 and you are so right! Space cadet rules! Thanks for all the time you put in on your site. It's very informative and I especially like your typing/spelling skills... or lack thereof. Cheers, mush
Whats with everyone dogging on my typing and smelling skills thats not very nice how would you like it if peoples always said you smelled bad then what yah thats not vary nice at all peoples.
Shes write about space cadet tho it rules!
Now heres a REAL gem that mades me real proud.
From: Martin Bogelund mbogelund@for[something]um.dk To: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Thank you! Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 13:55:35 +0200 I used to use Linux, but then I came across your homepage (http://www.freeyellow.com/members7/geraldholmes/index.html) and I read it, even though the EULA was there, because my long hair got into my eyes and prevented me from reading properly, and I was to stupid to understand what I was reading since I was using Linux. But 2 weeks after reading your homepage I understood it, and I realized that I was on the wrong path with Linux. Nobody would hire me because I had long hair, and when people considered hiring me, they asked if I had any computer experience, and then I answered "yes, I use Linux" and then they kicked me out and sued me... Then I got a haircut and practiced lying about my Linux using, telling that I used Windows. And the 29th time I told that story, it worked and I got a job were we are using Windows. I become smarter each day because I use Windows! Windows also cured my bad breath and made my runaway cat come back! If I add the money for the time I wasted on getting, installing, and learning Linux, and the money i didn't earn because I didn't get jobs due to my long hair and Linux using, I find that Linux owes me $8,000,000,000,639.48! So one of these days I will ask Bill Gates to help me sue Linux, because his lawyers are real good, and he is the greatest guy on earth! All this thanks to you, Gerald Holmes! Thank you! Regards, Martin PS please don't sue me because of the EULA thing, I'm a good Windows-user now!
Heres another person that was converted by my web pages:
From: "Emil S Hansen"
To: Subject: Great Site! Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 16:00:37 +0200 Great site you have there Mr. Holmes!! It really explainede a lot of things to, like WHY i should stop using linus and start using NT!!! Today I will go out and buy a new computer so that I can get WindowsNT!!! NT rules the world, and I don't wanna be a long hair any more. Thanks for showing me THE path. Yours Sencirly Emil S Hansen
From: email@example.com To: XaveX.daXa@iXage.dk Subject: Re: Great Site! thats a nice haircuts you gots ha ha ha I cant really see yor hair but I got you for a minute didnt I ha ha ha thats really really funny cause I cant see you through your emails now can I ha ha ha!
oh yeah who cant articluates themeselves without swearing huh yeah thats right you so now whos the idiot you. yeah Im pretty smarts.From: Robin Ludchak Robin_Ludchak@coaccess.com To: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: (no subject) Date: Tue, 18 May 1999 13:38:36 -0600 YOUR A FxxxING IDIOT!!!!
From: Edward A Carter < ADDRESS HIDDEN > To: email@example.com Subject: advice Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 16:02:31 -0700 (MST) What advice do you have for me? I have Linux on my computer, but I'm no long-hair like your website says. Here is the website I am talking about: http://www.freeyellow.com/members7/geraldholmes/ I read it even though I use Linux. Sorry. :)
This guy is going to be in big trouble for violatin my EULA and I told him so but I forgot to save the email I sent him so I cant tell you how much trouble but its going to be a lot and Ill be a very rich man after I sue his action for all its worth.
Man another peoples saying bad things about my spelings and english well I know my english good enough all you and if you dont like it you can go to another countrys where they speak finnish.From: "M.A.R. Janssen" firstname.lastname@example.org To: email@example.com Subject: Learn to spell Date: Tue, 18 May 1999 23:06:36 +0200 Never mind your viewpoints, but would you please get a spelling checker? I've never seen as bad English as this. On the other hand, how about following some English classes. I ran your page through Word's spelling checker and it still doesn't make sense. Cheers! MJS
Well I'll add more letters and responses as I get them and have time so
go back to my main page now and read some other